Much of what I have learned and believed in, in recent days have fallen into pieces. I am a little glad that this happens now, than later, but much of me feels destroyed.
I suppose this is what others who have come this way, called it the mid-life crisis. I had a quarter-life crisis once, when I was twenty five, and suddenly realise I had no idea what I was doing. I tried to pursue my interests on the side, clinging on to the familiar warmth of my childhood activities, while trying to keep things sensible. A few years later, I thought I understood what I needed to do, and pursued relentlessly down a path that many responsible adults seem to be doing.
A few weeks ago, I hit a massive roadblock at work. It felt like waking up from a pleasant dream, realising that reality is not that pleasant. And suddenly also realising that what I needed to be able to do, I was in fact not able to. The days that followed became a grim and gradual descend into the same familiar sense of being lost as I had when I was twenty five.
Except that I do not feel like twenty give any more.
When I was thirty, it was when I managed to convince myself to chase down the path many others have going. I abandoned all belief of what and who I think I was, and for the years ahead, things looked like progress. I cannot help but feel as though it was one big mirage that I was chasing, and today the mirage had left me in the middle of a desert, and alone.
Voices of the past greet me whenever my mind goes into a shut down. I hate those voices. They happen to also be disembodied voices of people whom I love, but these voices are constantly reminding me how much of a weakling I can be. I thought I became strong again, but no, I think I have always remained that weak individual who thought that I had overcome myself, which in fact, I have missed those precious years of not allowing myself to become who I was made to be.
The very logical step now is to take a stand and destroy the bridge that would lead me back into the false world. But I am afraid. I really am. The very voices of whom that I love are telling me that I cannot do that… for their sake.
The recent days have been colder, despite the very hot weather outside. I find myself in shivers while sweat beads form all over my body. Perhaps very soon, I will come around a bend, and break through instead of breaking down.